Just Because...

Well, it's been months since I posted (which is no surprise to me as I'm not really good at keeping up with this kind of thing).  But, I'm happy to report that I've continued writing at the very least.  Quite honestly writing seems to be the only thing keeping me sane at this point.

Work continues to be...well, work.  I don't really love what I do, hence why I've taken up trying to be an author as I may have mentioned.  But, in the last few weeks it's been getting harder and harder to continue caring about what I do.  Especially when it doesn't really seem like my position is necessary.  I make a lot of reports on things that don't really effect the company I work for and fill a lot of requests which needed to be done yesterday.  Although, I still say I'm content to be working at all, I'm pushing myself even harder to complete this book because I think it's the only way I'll actually do something worthwhile with myself.

I wonder how many people feel that way?  I know it's a pretty common occurrence for people not to do exactly what they want, but what would be the exact percentage of people who really aren't doing what they want out of life?  And how much happier would we all be if we could find something that we really cared about?  I'm not talking about being famous or a celebrity as most people would probably love to be, but instead being a part of something that gives you some kind of purpose.  And if you don't have that purpose what do you do?

I've learned from watching my mother that you don't always get the things you most want.  She never really got the opportunity to find what she really wanted out of life.  She was the first in our family to graduate from college (both undergrad and grad) and she went out and got a job because she's responsible and that's what you're supposed to do as an adult.  Then, of course I came along and she had even less of a chance to take chances and risks because she had this little life to take care of and she was (and is) the ultimate parent.  Basically, putting aside her own needs for her kid.  I wonder what she might have been if she'd had more freedom (and foresight) to choose her path.

I know no one really reads this, but it's a question that's constantly filling my head these days: what can we do to make ourselves happy?  I've long given up having anyone else help to get me to happiness.  With every year that I remain single I'm pretty sure that my chances of finding that sappy, movie love grow less and less.  So, I've prepared myself to be happy on my own.  And I believe becoming an author might do that.  But, what if all the fantasies dancing in my head are just that?  What if my book doesn't get picked up to be published?  I could self-publish, but I'd probably never be able to live off what I make, and that's really the goal.  Will I continue plodding along doing jobs that allow me to live comfortably, but don't fulfill anything else in me?  Or, will I take a chance on something else in an economy that is increasingly uncertain with nothing really to fall back on?

I just don't know.  But, I know I'm doing something right now.  And that's got to be better than nothing.  Right?

Writer's Group / March 9

Word of the Blog: Senticous (adj.) - prickly; thorny
The judges weren't fond of Edna's senticous disposition so they voted her off the island.
http://www.savethewords.org/

Hey World,

Now over 30,000 words and ten chapters in!  This is officially the longest I have ever worked on one piece and it feels great.  I'm still only about a quarter to maybe a third of the way through, but that's something.  There might actually be some light at the end of this tunnel.

You might notice I sound positive this week.  Don't worry, it probably won't last.  And the real reason might just be that I decided to work from home today and, surprisingly, discovered that my manager is also working from home.  So no worries that I'll get an unexpected call.  As you can see, I'm taking a little break, but for whatever reason, not going into the office is always much more relaxing for me.  I don't have to be up nearly as early, no fighting any traffic that shouldn't exist in a town this size anyway, no looking for the prime parking spot, and no having to make small talk with co-workers.  Do I come off as having some animosity toward my current occupation?

It's really not as bad as I make it seem, and considering I have a job at all I really shouldn't complain.  Still, writing is the dream.  Now that I've gotten this far in my novel, the dream feels like it might become reality.  Of course, that's if anyone has interest in it.  But, even just getting a few readers would make me ecstatic.  Maybe that's what's making me so happy.  Despite still having few friends and doing nothing too much new with my life, it's still nice to have a goal that I'm working to achieve.  Not to mention, I don't have a lot of time to think of all the ways my life could be depressing when I'm so busy imagining the very interesting lives of the made up people in my head.  Now, I realize that sounds a little crazy, but it's probably keeping me sane.  At least, that's the way I'm going to look at it.

Anyway, I'm thinking of getting back into dance.  Other than writing, when I was younger that was the only thing I liked to do.  And since I think most all exercise is synonymous with torture, it might be the only thing that can help me lose weight in time for my best friend's wedding.  I have plenty of time, the blessed event being in December, but I'm also pretty lazy, so the possibility of me not losing these extra thirty pounds is very likely.  Still, if anything could do it, dance would be it.  So, we'll see what I can find around town that I can afford.

Well, I guess that's about it for now.  Here's hoping that I'll get to a point where I also write in this blog on a weekly basis.  Not that I think anyone finds these ramblings all that interesting, but who knows.  Until next time.

Writer's Group / February 15

Word of the Blog: Blateration (n.) - blabber; chatter
I had to listen to my mother's blateration for thirty minutes just because I came back at 2 am.
http://www.savethewords.org/

Hey World,

Well I was supposed to post after every writer's club and you can see how well that turned out.  On the positive side, at least I have continued writing, slowly and surely.  I'm over 25,000 words (which is a great accomplishment if you know anything about me) and still have quite a ways to go before I'll be finished.  This book continues to get longer and longer in my mind, not to mention I've already spread out the story over three novels.  Of course all of that will mean nothing if I can't get the first one completed, so wish me luck.

I haven't been doing much of anything other than writing and going to work in the past few weeks.  The holidays left me tapped for cash and now I'm trying to finish paying off the last of my debt.  I already got my tax refund, so I have a bit of breathing room for now, but for the next couple of months most all of my income will be going into credit cards and store credits (why did I ever get that first card in college?).

I'm in a kind of withdrawal from the movies.  I haven't been in forever and am highly considering going this weekend just to do something other than stay in the house and find excuses not to write (which there are many).  It doesn't even really matter what I see so long as I'm able to sit in front of the big screen, hands covered in oily movie popcorn butter, feet sliding in whatever drink a former patron spilled.  It will be heavenly.  Just to get out of my own head and immerse myself in someone else's story; it's the stuff dreams are made of.  I know that sounds pathetic, but what can I say, I love it.

Seeing that it was Valentine's Day this past Monday I also probably need something to take my mind off of being single for another year.  I'm hoping that my now bitter attitude doesn't bleed over into my characters too much.  There's nothing more depressing than a female that can only complain about how bland their life is combined with how idiotic men can be.  And while both of those statements are often true, it doesn't mean everyone needs to hear about them, right?  Sure Valentine's Day is basically a made-up holiday so card/candy/flower/jewelry stores have a reason to give a sale, but that's what every single person would say.  I've learned to accept it.  Better for me to just go along with everyone else's lovey-dovey cheer than to let the bastards get me down.

So, Happy Valentine's Day to all and sundry.  And if you happen to be single, screw love.  I was in it for the chocolate anyway!