Christmastime is Here

Hey World,

Well, here it is, another Christmas and I'm visiting family.  I have a new chapter (or two) that I need to write before my next writers' meeting, I have a bunch of analysis I need to do before I go back to work on Friday, and I recently accepted a new job that I can't seem to stop stressing about.  Although, I guess all of that is a good kind of stress.  I mean, I could have no dream at all, no current job, and no future job to look forward to.  So, what do I really have to complain about?

So, again, here it is.  The time of year that people most dread and welcome.  It's hard to know what to expect to feel when the holidays roll around.  Growing up, Christmas for the average child in a fairly financially stable family can be magical.  But, the years come and for some the magic becomes a little less sparkly or fades altogether as life changes for the better or worse.  For me, it's still an enjoyable time, although I haven't gotten the kind of change I'd wished for in my youth.  Perhaps my presents no longer inspire quite as much joy, but they're still fun to open.  And perhaps I'd like to be able to spend bright and cheery days with someone that I've fallen in love with, but I still have all of my important loved ones around me.

I try to do a little bit for others, as that's what's truly important at this time of year; and I try not to let any of what may be the world's problems and tragedies impede on my clear sight of what the season should be.  I watch the old Christmas movies: Christmas Story, the Grinch, Rudolf, Frosty and Santa, while trying at the same time to avoid the saccharin sweet monstrosities most channels like Hallmark like to pass off as entertainment these days.  I try very hard not to let people get on my nerves, as they are likely to do as the mad rush of consumerism seems to get bigger and bigger every year, and I try to be a good daughter and granddaughter, at least for the few days that I'm around my mother and grandmother.

And, for me, that might be all there really is.  Doing my best and continuing to look for those pockets of happiness that are just within reach.  If I'm lucky enough to recognize them.  In it's own way, life is still more magical and heartbreaking than I ever thought it would be.  But, I get to live it.  And, I'll do that the best I can.  Or, at least try a little harder everyday I get.

Until next time.

 

Kid at Heart

Hey World,

Well, it's happened.  Another year has gone by and I'm now 29 years of age.  The last year of true youth, the last year I could realistically be called "Miss", and if doctors are right, probably the last year my reproductive system won't come with a cautionary asterisk.  That's right.  In a little less than 365 days I'll be the big three-o, and have to start taking this whole adulthood thing seriously.  Which, for me, is going to be an uphill struggle.

I've come to the realization (or should I say, I've always known) that I'm not the complete definition of an adult.  Oh, I am by dictionary standards.  I've attained my full size and strength, grown up, and matured physically.  Hell, I've been there for over ten years now.  Yes, I've got all the attributes of a female in the early-mid stages of her life.  However, that information didn't quite reach all portions of my brain.

Of course, I do do most of the things that come with adulthood.  I moved out of my mother's house, I hold a steady job, pay rent and all the bills, even vote in the occasional election.  However, I do not now, nor have I ever, felt like an adult.  In my mind, I'm still about a fifteen year old kid; which was about the age I really settled on my personality and outlook on life.  Every year that has passed since that age has run together and fallen into little patches of my past, but they all feel recent, within reach.  All of it seems only two years back.  Even while I know it's not.

But, even stranger than my amnesiac memory for the passage of time is my unchanging routine.  Many of the same things I did then, I still do today.  Which, in the grand scheme of things, probably doesn't mean much, but inside my own mind are fairly significant.  I still watch cartoons (in my own opinion, some of the more interesting and intelligent programming on television).  I still love to get up on Saturday mornings in my PJs and eat cereal.  Whenever I see a swing set, my first inclination is to find out how high I can go.  And, I still consider Halloween one of the best holidays out there if only because of the free candy.

Now, that isn't to say that I haven't augmented my routines somewhat.  In addition to cartoons, I'll occasionally catch the news (never for longer than ten minutes).  My Saturday morning cereal is no longer Fruity Pebbles or Twix, but instead a healthy, whole grain mix with fruit.  I no longer push other kids out of my way in the race to the swings.  And, I'm more likely to be giving out candy than Trick or Treating these days.

Still, I can't help but think of myself as a Kid at Heart.  Which, if the old cliche holds true, is supposed to be a good thing, right?  Of course, that might only be true if the kid side of you doesn't impede on things that adults find important.  Like love and building a family.  I could wish I was still immature enough to find boys icky, and to want nothing but my dolls to keep me company.  I could wish even more that I did not have the looming sense of my own mortality.  It was nice to feel the invincibility of youth.  To be unconcerned with both the trivialities and all too real responsibilities of grown ups.

Perhaps that's why I still like to think of myself as just a kid.  As long as I'm that, there's still time to get things right.  Mistakes are expected and accepted and the fulfillment of a dream is still something a long way in the future.  Of course, I guess that would make most people merely children, playing at dress up and hoping that they're getting it right.

Until next time.